


A hundred fifty-six

by jamsiesir (everything)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, M/M, Pre-Relationship, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, ex-lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25183090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everything/pseuds/jamsiesir
Summary: "We should talk to Remus about it,” Arthur says, eyes moving to look at Molly, who gives him a glare.“Remus has already many things to do and —”“He may be the only one who —”"Arthur, I’m sure we can resolve it without disturbing Remus. I was going to go upstairs with lunch.”Arthur sighs and looks at Remus again.His frown deepens. “What are you talking about?""Sirius” Tonks says, her voice sounds sad. “Molly says that he hasn’t come down for days. He refuses to eat, and when I went up to see him, he looked like he hadn’t slept for a long time.”Molly crosses her arms, looking everywhere but Remus. “He also needs to take a bath: he’s been up there with that hippogriff for so long…”“I will talk to him,” he hears himself say with a surprising steady voice. “Don’t worry about it.”
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 77





	A hundred fifty-six

“Yes, but he has to eat —" 

"Have you seen him? I don’t think he has slept a wink since he came here.”

“I know, that’s why I wanted —" 

Remus frowns as he enters the kitchen of Grimmauld Place and everyone becomes silent. Tonks and Molly are standing close to each other - their heads slightly bended as if they were trying to stay quiet as they talked. Arthur is on his wife’s other side, sipping from his cuppa - the only one looking at Remus in the eyes. 

"We should talk to Remus about it,” he says, eyes moving to look at Molly, who gives him a glare. 

“Remus has already many things to do and —”

“He may be the only one who —” 

"Arthur, I’m sure we can resolve it without disturbing Remus. I was going to go upstairs with lunch.”

Arthur sighs and looks at Remus again. 

His frown deepens. “What are you talking about?" 

"Sirius” Tonks says, her voice sounds sad. “Molly says that he hasn’t come down for days. He refuses to eat, and when I went up to see him, he looked like he hadn’t slept for a long time.”

Molly crosses her arms, looking everywhere but Remus. “He also needs to take a bath: he’s been up there with that hippogriff for so long…”

If James were alive, Remus and he would joke about how many times Sirius has forgotten to take a shower in their teenage days, ending up smelling exactly like a dog. However, James isn’t here and that’s one of the reasons why Sirius isn’t taking care of himself. 

“I will talk to him,” he hears himself say with a surprising steady voice. “Don’t worry about it.”

To think that Remus believed things were going better: before moving to Grimmauld Place, while they were staying at his cottage, Remus had seen him slowly turning into his old self - even if for a short amount of time. Has he been too optimistic? 

“Sirius, it’s me. Can I come in?” he asks, after a couple of knocks. The only sound from the other side of the door is the one Buckbeak’s feathers make when the hippogriff moves. The werewolf waits for a couple of seconds before barging in. 

The first thing he sees is Buckbeak, resting its head on the ground with closed eyes. As soon as Remus tries to take a step in, the hippogriff turns to look at him sleepily. Remus bows and waits for the beast to do the same before walking into the room: he notices right away the large black dog curled up on himself against Buckbeak’s resting body, eyes closed, coat matted - the stench coming from them is awful, making Remus hate his own sensitive nose.

Nonetheless, he walks up to him and crouches down to caress the dog on his head, scratching lightly behind the ear. “Pads, I know that you’re probably not in the mood, but can you please turn back? It’s been a week since I last saw you — can we talk?”

Padfoot opens slowly one of his eyes and looks back for a bit, before closing it again. For a moment, Remus thinks that he is going to remain in his canine form, but then the dog stands up and morphs right into a man. A sigh finds its way up his throat as he watches Sirius bring his knees to his chest, face pointed down - his dirty hair is covering the cheek on Remus’ side and the ex Professor just wants to tuck it behind his ear to get a glimpse of the other’s expression.

“I heard you’re refusing to eat” he whispers, sitting down beside him, trying to sound as comforting as he can.

“That fucking house elf is trying to poison me,” Sirius’ croaked reply comes after a beat - his throat might be dry. “I swear I heard him say so.”

“Well, I know that Molly is doing the cooking nowadays. I don’t think she would poison you.”

The animagus lets out a bitter chuckle, hugging his own knees to himself. “She might as well be. She hates me just as much.”

“Pads, I’m sure Molly doesn’t hate you.”

“She thinks Harry’s life can be so much better without me — says I’m not a good example, thinks I’m not fit to take care of him,” Sirius sniffles as he says it, making Remus’ heart break a little.

He reaches out to finally tuck away that hair, giving his expression a long look. “Since when do you care about Molly Weasley’s opinion?” 

Sirius closes his eyes, but bends his head back. “She’s important for Harry — she’s been his only positive parental figure for the last four years,” he says, voice trembling. “and I — What am I for him, Moony? What am I for the people staying here? Who am I _for you_?” Remus can see the pain behind his old friend’s eyes as he stares at him - they may seem empty to someone who doesn’t know him, but the werewolf still knows how to read them. “I’m the reason he didn’t get to grow up with his parents — if it wasn’t for me, I —”

“Pads, you know that’s —”

“You know, I can go and blame _that rat_ all I want but in the end — _in the end_ it’s all _my_ fault,” his eyebrows are scrunched up together, his lower lip shakes a little. “I’m the one who suggested that wretched idea. I’m the one who went after Peter instead of staying back for Harry” his hands are shaking, his eyes are shining. “Do you know, Moony, that staying in this damned house reminds me how much of a failure I am?” he asks. “Do you know that I can’t stand staying in my room because those fucking posters are a reminder of all the summers I spent with James?" 

Remus has to swallow to get the burning in his chest to stay there, not allowing it to reach his throat and swell up his eyes. "I’m going to tell you this again, until you understand the point” he speaks, voice as soft as he can. “You couldn’t know how it would have gone — you couldn’t foresee it." 

Sirius is staring at the ceiling, now, and he knows he is trying to block out his voice. Remus has done it too: every time someone has been trying to talk him out of the guilt, the disgust and the hate he feels for himself, the werewolf has shut them out. As much as it makes him look like a hypocrite, he can’t let Sirius do the same. He _needs_ him to understand, he has to get into that thick head how much important he is - after all, Sirius is all Remus and Harry have left of what could have been if there hadn’t been a war in the way, and Remus needs Sirius to understand how much they care. 

How much _he_ cares.

Remus sighs and changes position, so that he is now kneeling in front of Sirius - the movement makes his joins hurt a bit, a reminder of both the past full moon and his age. He brings his hands on the animagus’ knees (he really has to get him to eat: that month at his cottage has done nothing to help fill him up), pushes his head a bit forward and tries to catch his eyes. “Hey, Pads, you can’t keep losing your mind wondering how it could have been if something had changed. Do you want to know who you are for Harry?” he asks, patting one of his knees to make him look down. “You’re his godfather — the only thing close to a family he has left. Harry has loved you since he found out the truth. Didn’t you say he was happy when you asked him to live with you?” Sirius’ mouth twitches a bit at this, his eyes look distant - as if he is reliving that moment. 

“He doesn’t know me,” the animagus replies, voice quiet. “What if Molly’s right? What if I’ll spend every day expecting him to be just like James? What if I’ll put that pressure on him? I know how hard it is to live under certain expectations — I know what comes from fucking up them. I don’t want my stupid, tangled memories to burden him. I —”

Remus raises an eyebrow at that, wondering what kind of things Molly has said to him. He knows she feels like Harry’s mother, and that probably she has his best interest in her mind, but does she really have the right to make Sirius feel like this? Although, she may have just the guilt of saying out loud the things Sirius fears the most about the whole thing. “Do you remember why James chose you to be the godfather? _Dogfather_ ’s joke aside.” 

At that, Sirius closes his eyes, squeezing them in pain - the very same one torturing him. For a moment, Remus feels like a right arsehole before he realises he has to go on. He has to take Sirius slightly out of these thoughts - enough to make him eat, enough not to let him neglect himself. 

“Because he knew that you would have been able to take care of Harry.”

Sirius shakes his head briefly, a self-deprecating smile on his lips. "Just because you would have been in the picture.”

“That might have been why Lily agreed” Remus attempts to joke, meeting his eyes when the other opens them. “But James —” and he smiles a bit, without ending the sentence, because it feels kind of self-explanatory. 

Sirius’ hand twitches in his, making him hold it tighter. “I miss him” he says under his breath, voice breaking a little. “I miss him, Rem. I miss him so much,” he croaks out. “It feels like yesterday for me — their…” he swallows. 

“I know, _love_ ” that word comes out of Remus’ mouth before he can stop it. He freezes a little, eyes locked with the animagus’ ones, watching each other in confusion. “— I miss him too” he adds after a while, clearing out his voice. 

They haven’t talked about _that_ , not even when they were alone at Remus’. Harry has been the topic of every conversation, mixed up with some memories with which Sirius needed help to restore, and some theories about what would happen in the next months. They’ve always been shit at talking out their feelings, James was the only one of their little group who was comfortable with talking out feelings, showing his love loudly. The two of them have always dealt with some kind of miscommunication - having Lily and James helped them get the courage to talk about how they felt and get together, all those years ago. 

Remus watches as Sirius’ face colours a little, it isn’t really _that_ evident, but it reminds him that it has been a while since the animagus has heard that word directed at him. It’s the same for him, really, but being locked up in here makes Sirius’ needs for affection more urgent. Then, he leans forward a bit more and cups Sirius’ face in his hands, gently, trying not to scare him off. “ _Love_ , what did we say the first day we came here?" 

The animagus’ grey eyes bore into his, as if trying to understand whether or not the use of that word is intentional. "We will trust each other no matter what." 

"Can you trust me on what I’m saying?" 

"It’s — we were talking about _the war_.”

“We were talking about _us_ not falling into another stupid plot that could lead to one of our deaths” Remus says, every word pronounced carefully. “ _This_ — I can’t let you go on like this” he lets his thumbs caress the other man’s cheekbones. “Do you want me to bring the war into the discourse? Because I can." 

Sirius just stares at him, and Remus feels a little bit relieved to see that old flame burn at the back of his pupil. "You can’t keep Harry safe if you don’t take care of yourself; you can’t fight if you can’t walk without blacking out” he sighs. “And honestly, _love_ , Kreacher can’t poison you — you know that. No matter how much he wishes to do you any physical harm, he is still bound to you. He isn’t allowed to,” he reminds him, and Sirius looks down for a moment. “He can still get into your head, making you want to starve yourself so that you don’t have to deal with his shitty cooking” Remus concedes, keeping on stroking his cheeks. “Are you really going to give into his wishes? Are you going to let him catch the snitch?" 

Sirius scoffs, looking slightly miffed. "I hate when you do this — you know I can’t let this kind of bait go.”

“I know: you’re so easy to provoke” the ex Professor jokes, a little smile stretching his lips. 

The animagus brings his hands to close around the other’s wrists. “I’m a dragon’s shit." 

"Must be why you’re still so hot” a beat. “— hot- _headed_." 

"Nice save." 

"Thank you, I’m proud of it." 

"Although, I don’t think I look that good anymore.”

“You just need a nice bath and a few meals,” Remus says, trying to sound reassuring. “C'mon, let me lend a hand and feed you up." 

Sirius’ lips stretch into a sincere smile - it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but it is a beginning. "Merlin, Moons, it sounds dirty." 

The werewolf raises his eyebrows, feeling the man’s thumbs caress the inside of his wrists. "It doesn’t. I was completely innocent.”

“In wanting to _feed me up_.”

Something seems to burn in his stomach as laughter tickles his throat. “I didn’t mean it like that," 

"Sure you didn’t, _sweetheart_.”

And just like that they’re bursting out laughing, sounding a bit crazy from the outside. Remus frees his own hands in between chuckles and hugs him, holding Sirius tight as the laughter washes out, leaving only their trembling bodies. The fact that he can laugh doesn’t mean Sirius is better: he knows this, because for him it’s just the same. However, he can’t help but light up a bit at that reaction. 

“You didn’t reply, you know?” Sirius’ voice is so low against his shoulder, that Remus can’t hear him the first time. “You didn’t answer.”

_Who am I for you?_

The ex Professor takes a moment before deciding what to reply. There isn’t a straight answer to that question, Sirius is so many things to him - so many happy memories, so many regrets, so many faults. Sirius is all and nothing, the light and the dark. Most of all, Sirius is _love_. 

Because despite everything, despite the things he used to believe about him (his _faults_ ), Remus has loved him since the beginning and has never stopped. 

“You’re Sirius. You’re Sirius for me” he says, caressing his back. “Someone I dearly missed, someone I cherish” his voice is too low, yes, but Sirius’ got those sensitive ears - a sob comes out of thin air and Remus doesn’t know who let it out. “Someone I love” and both their breathings sound wet, now that he has said it. He feels his own shoulders shake. “I — I can’t lose you too, Pads. I’m trying to make you focus on what Harry needs, because if I —” he has to swallow down a sob. “If I pause to think about what you mean to me, I — _fuck_ , we shouldn’t have this conversation on the floor of your mother’s bedroom with a hippogriff at our side.”

“A hundred fifty-six,” Sirius sighs out right away, making Remus freeze on the spot.

“What?”

“I said that I took count, when you let me spend the full moon with you again” the animagus clarifies. “I never told you how much that number weighed on me.”

Remus moved away enough to look at him in the face: Sirius’ eyes were shining, his left cheek flushed where it was pressed against his shoulder a second ago. His breathing is laboured, letting him know he feels as constricted as Remus. “A hundred fifty-six” he repeats. It’s not as if he has ever taken count of how many full moons he survives - it kind of feels like a countdown to his death. 

“In twelve years.”

There is a strange silence right now - Remus can feel something pass within them, can understand the meaning behind that number. Sirius’ words are as cryptic as ever, but he has learnt what they are supposed to sound like. 

A single tear rolls off Sirius’ eye, sliding down the still red cheek, going straight to the jaw and it looks so beautiful that he can’t help but think his mind is a little fucked up.

Remus takes a deep breath and then stands up, leaving the other man to follow his movements in surprise. “We need to talk,” he says, feeling his legs hurt from the position he was in. “But you need to clean up, eat, and sleep first. If _a hundred fifty-six_ matters, then you can do something about it by taking care of yourself” he holds out his hand to the animagus to help him stand up.

Sirius looks at it - in his eyes the phantom of an inner debate. “You need a bath too” he says as he finally takes his hand, standing up a bit unsteadily. “I don’t know where you have been, but you smell bad.”

His grey eyes are shining in a way that reminds Remus of the old days and his heart misses a beat - he knows he is fooling himself, he just wants to believe that what has happened in the last half hour is enough for Sirius to be fine. “I will take a shower after you do” he promises. 

“And you need to eat too.”

“I will eat with you.”

“And sleep, you _need_ to sleep.”

“I will,” he waits for them to be out of the room before ending the sentence. “With you, _love_.”


End file.
